Shenanigans
by blommabelle
Summary: When Antonio and Lovina are asked to babysit Amelia and Matthew, they find they are woefully unprepared to deal with them. Features fem!America and fem!Romano. A little bit of Spain/fem!Romano sprinkled in there for good measure. Human names used.


There was a series of loud knocks on the door that weren't quite loud enough to jar Antonio out of his daydreaming as he watched Lovina clean a few tomatoes. She was wearing one of his favorite outfits—a cute white sundress that had a pattern of smiling red tomatoes on it. He had gotten it for her for her birthday a few years ago. While she had loudly declared the dress was stupid, she wore it an awful lot, much to Antonio's delight.

A few moments of silence passed until the knocks sounded again, a little louder this time, almost more annoyed. Lovina scowled and turned around, looking at Antonio expectantly.

"That eyebrow bastard is here with his kids," she snapped, nodding her head in the direction of the door. "Are you too lazy to bother getting it?"

Antonio just grinned and stood, smoothing out his clothes. "Nah, I just wanted to annoy _Arturo_ a little bit before I actually answered."

Lovina just rolled her gold eyes and returned to her business with the tomatoes. Antonio made his way to the door and opened it just as Arthur had his hand raised, prepared to knock again. His annoyed scowl was replaced by a small, relieved smile.

"Thank you two so much for watching them," Arthur said hurriedly, running a hand through his hair. "Honestly, that stupid frog bailed out on me at the last minute and I certainly can't leave them with _Russia_, and I don't know if I trust Prussia to look after them, either, because the last time I did Amelia learned a new word that starts with a 'd' and rhymes with 'stick' and it became her favorite word for weeks. She took to calling Austria that as his 'fun new nickname' and believe you me, he was less-than-thrilled to hear such—"

"HI!" a loud a girlish voice sounded from below. Both men looked down and spotted Amelia herself, smiling up at Antonio, batting her big blue eyes at him. "_Hola_ Uncle Toni!"

"_Hola, princesa_!" Antonio beamed at his 'uncle' title. "Mexico told me she was teaching you some Spanish! She says you're doing pretty well!"

"_¡Sí!_" Amelia puffed up her chest proudly.

"_Muy bien_! Tell me something in Spanish, I want to hear, _princesa_!"

Amelia's face screwed up into one of utmost concentration. She squeezed her eyes shut and focused so hard that both Antonio and Arthur started to look a little worried until she finally spoke.

"_Tengo tres gatos en mis pantalones_."

Arthur rolled his eyes and Antonio stared at her for a long minute, unsure of how to respond. Finally, he just smiled and changed the subject.

"And where's the other one? Matthew? Is he hiding from me?"

"I'm right here," a quiet voice replied. Everyone looked a little startled to see Matthew standing right next to Amelia, staring up at Antonio shyly with big violet eyes. He was a bit taller than his sister and was holding her hand. The sight was so adorable that Antonio nearly broke down and begged Arthur to let him keep the twins then and there.

"_Hola_, Matthew!" Antonio smiled at him cheerfully. "Nice hat! Did you get that from your uncle France?"

Looking a little less shy, Matthew reached up and touched his new red beret, smiling and nodding while Amelia began to bounce and asked an endless stream of questions about churros. _What are they made of, how much sugar do they have, do you have any, how many, do I get any, how many do I get_…

"I'm afraid I have to go." Arthur quickly ushered the kids inside and spotted Lovina in the kitchen. "Hello, Lovina!"

She didn't reply, but Arthur didn't seem to care too much. He quickly bid one last farewell to the kids, warning Amelia in particular to behave herself, and then hurried off.

The twins stood for a few moments in silence, staring up at Antonio expectantly. He stared back down at them, suddenly a little unsure about what to do. He hadn't had a kid running around the house in a while and had yet to coax Lovina into having children. He was sort of hoping that tonight while taking care of these two little angels Lovina would see reason and immediately want to try having kids.

"Where's Auntie Lovi?" Amelia suddenly asked. She let go of Matthew's hand, much to the boy's distress, and hurried toward the kitchen. Antonio knew when Amelia had found Lovina when he heard her squealing voice yell, "_Auntie Loviiiiiii_!"

After a few seconds, Matthew hurried off after his sister with Antonio trailing behind him. The boy was quick to reattach himself to Amelia, though instead of taking her hand this time he wrapped his arms around her waist in a hug. Amelia smiled at her big brother and patted his arm, apparently fine with Matthew clinging to her for dear life.

"_Ciao_," Lovina replied, struggling to smile at the kids. It was obvious she was a little uncomfortable with them staring at her like she was doing the most interesting thing in the world. She glanced at Antonio, a little panicked.

"Hey, Auntie Lovi," Amelia piped up, tugging on her skirt a little. "Uncle France says you have nice knockers. What are those? Uncle France says he'd want to play with them. Are they toys? Can I play with them?"

Lovina's face turned bright red and Antonio let out a small noise of surprise. He would have to remember to beat that perverted idiot up later.

"So, what did you kids want to do?" Antonio asked quickly, hoping to change the subject before Amelia asked more questions. Both of them looked a little surprised by the question and Antonio realized with a sinking heart that Arthur probably never let them do what they wanted. Poor things.

The twins looked at each other, apparently communicating in silence in that eerie way Lovina sometimes did with her own sister. Suddenly, Amelia giggled, looking over at Antonio. "How about we play lava monster?"

"Oh? How do you play that?" Antonio asked curiously.

"It's easy!" Amelia hurried ran over to the kitchen table, dragging Matthew with her. She frowned as she grabbed one of the chairs and then stared at Matthew. "Help me out, lazybones."

Matthew detached himself from her and grabbed a chair of his own. Together, the twins each dragged their chairs to the living room. Amelia motioned for Antonio to do the same while Lovina returned to her cooking.

Curious, Antonio grabbed one and then followed after the kids. The two had placed their chairs in seemingly random places and were pushing his couch a bit across the floor. Antonio followed their lead and placed his own chair in between theirs. Amelia gave an appreciative noise from where she was now dragging the coffee table around.

"Good idea, Uncle Toni," she commented. "Now it's like a bridge. Right, Mattie?"

Matthew was pulling cushions off the couch and littered the floor with them. He glanced over and nodded, adjusting his beret.

"So how do we play?" Antonio asked as Amelia climbed onto the sofa.

"Well, there's a lava monster," Amelia explained, motioning at Matthew to climb onto something. "And then there are the not-lava monsters. If you're the lava monster, you get to run around on the floor, and if you're not, you have to climb on all the furniture and you can't touch the floor because it's lava."

"Okay…" Antonio tried his best to keep up with her, considering she was talking _very_ fast. Matthew, meanwhile, kept silent.

"The lava monster's job is to catch the not-lava monsters. If you tag one of us, that person is the lava monster and the person who used to be the lava monster gets to be a not-lava monster and climb on the furniture. ¿_Comprende_?"

Antonio laughed. "_Sí_. Who is the monster?"

"You are, silly!" Amelia bounced a little on the sofa. "Okay! Ready… set… go!"

Antonio leapt at Amelia, but she easily dodged him, skipping across the three chairs toward where Matthew stood, fiddling with his beret. Once he saw them approaching, he quickly bounded onto one of the cushions on the ground, racing elsewhere so he wouldn't be caught in the thick of things.

This game went on for a while until, inevitably, one of the twins fell off one of the chairs. Matthew had slipped and knocked his head on the ground. He sat on the floor, a little dazed, while Amelia and Antonio paused.

"Mattie? You okay?"

Matthew looked at her with wide eyes and then reached a hand up to his head. Suddenly, it was like a switch was flipped and he burst into tears. Antonio was quick to rush over there to help the poor boy out. It wouldn't do anyone any good for Arthur to pick them up and see one of them dissolved in tears. Everyone knew how protective the Englishman was of the twins.

"I think churros would help," Amelia informed him sagely, her tone suggesting that what she said was a proverb she had once read in a very distinguished book.

Antonio ignored her as Lovina appeared in the doorway, frowning at all the noise. "What happened? Why is the furniture all over the place?"

"_Auntie Lovi_!" Amelia sing-songed as Antonio quickly carried Matthew into the washroom to get him some water. Hopefully that would calm him down. "Guess what?"

A little wary, Lovina sighed. "What, _bambina_?"

Giving her "aunt" a cute smile, Amelia said, "I know you have a vagina."

Lovina turned red again and rubbed her temples. "That's… yes, that's true, but it's not usually something anyone would just bring up."

"Oh." Amelia didn't seem too concerned about that though. She just followed Lovina into the kitchen, humming tunelessly as she trailed after her. "Do you have any churros?"

"Yes. Those are for after dinner, though."

"What's for dinner?"

"Pasta."

"Yummy! Hey, Auntie Lovi, guess what?"

Lovina suppressed a groan as Amelia climbed atop the kitchen table and sat down, letting her little legs dangle over the side. She watched Lovina butter some garlic bread with interest.

When Lovina didn't say anything after a few moments, Amelia raised her voice. "Auntie Lovi? Guess what?"

There was a long pause before Lovina sighed. "What?"

"I know the 'F' word," the little girl informed. "Do _you_ know it?"

Lovina was very intimate with the 'F' word, but she figured a little kid shouldn't be able to swear quite as colorfully as she could, so she simply shook her head in the negative and continued to cook.

"Wanna know what it is?" Amelia's eyes were wide. "England says I shouldn't use it, but sometimes it slips out. I could tell you what it is if you want."

Lovina wasn't sure what would get the girl to shut up. Perhaps she could give her a few tomatoes and tell her to go throw some at some birds or something. But that would be a terrible waste of tomatoes…

Thankfully, before Amelia could harass Lovina any further, Antonio walked in, holding Matthew's hand. He was sniffling and quickly let go of the Spaniard, rushing over to his sister. He climbed onto the table and rested his head on her shoulder.

"Why is he crying?" Lovina asked, glancing at the boy. She decided she liked him more since he had yet to bring up any sort of female genitalia.

"We were playing lava monster and he fell and hit his head," Antonio explained easily.

"I've hit my head a lot," Amelia chimed in. "On all sorts of things, all the time!"

_That doesn't surprise me_, Lovina thought to herself, shaking her head a little bit. Why Antonio wanted a house full of children was beyond her. She could hardly handle the little girl.

"Hey, Uncle Toni." The girl had apparently decided to start harassing him instead, much to Lovina's relief. "Auntie Lovi says she doesn't know the 'F' word. Do you?"

Antonio balked a little and Matthew frowned at his sister, shaking his head.

"Ah… where did you hear the 'F' word, _princesa_?" Antonio asked as casually as he could manage.

"Uncle Scotland."

Oh, well, that wasn't exactly surprising.

"He said he was going to do the 'F' word in Uncle Ireland's face." Amelia stuck her tongue out. "I thought that sounded really icky."

Lovina interrupted them quickly. "The food is done! Time for dinner!"

"YAY!" Amelia cheered. Matthew slid off the table and then helped his sister down. Lovina ordered Antonio to go grab the chairs in the living room and bring them back to the dining room. Antonio did so, an soon enough, all four of them sat at the table. Lovina led a prayer before they began to serve the food.

"Can I have more?" Amelia asked sweetly after Antonio piled some pasta onto her place.

Antonio smiled. "Someone has a hearty appetite. _Sí_, you can have more."

"Can I have more, please?"

"Really?" Antonio chuckled and gave her a bit more. The noodles were starting to spill off her plate a bit. "Is that good?"

"More? Please?"

"Mia," Matthew whined, frowning at his twin. They stared at each other for a few long moments before Amelia sighed.

"Never mind, I'm good. Thanks, Uncle Toni!" She took a piece of garlic bread offered to her and began to scarf down her food in a not-so ladylike manner.

Meanwhile, Lovina was having some problems with Matthew, surprisingly. She gave him a nice helping of pasta and then began to load up her own plate. Glancing at the boy, she saw he was frowning at his food and poking at it timidly.

"_Bambino_, what is wrong? Have you never had pasta before?"

He stared at her shyly and then mumbled, "Syrup?"

"What?"

"He asked for syrup," Amelia informed her. "He puts it on everything. He won't eat food without syrup. His favorite is maple, but he's usually good with any of them. Right, Mattie?"

Matthew nodded and continued to poke at his food.

"Even on his pasta?" Lovina asked slowly, recoiling a bit.

"He puts it on _everything_," Amelia reiterated, shoveling a forkful of pasta into her mouth as she reached for a second piece of garlic bread.

"I don't think we have any syrup," Lovina said slowly. "I didn't think we'd need any…"

"Lucky for you, England always makes sure we're prepared!" Amelia giggled. "Remember, Mattie? In your beret?"

Matthew's face lit up and he reached into his hat. Both Antonio and Lovina watched as he pulled a small bottle of syrup out, uncapped it and then drizzled it all on his noodles. He grinned and began to eat with almost as much voracity as his sister.

Both adults were a bit grossed out by the display, but Antonio got the kids to laugh a few times and Lovina even managed a smile or two. Afterwards, Amelia nearly did backflips when they brought out churros. There was some panic when she attempted to steal Matthew's, but things eventually calmed down.

The peace did not last long, however.

Amelia had been given some paint and paper. She sat at the kitchen table and was innocently painting with her brother beside her. After some time, she got up and walked over to Antonio and Lovina, who were sitting on the couch in the living room. Antonio was quietly reading some pirate story while Lovina was writing a letter to her sister.

Both of them looked up when Amelia shyly handed them her painting. The couple assumed it would be a cute little doodle the girl had given them, but they were both very, very wrong.

Blood. At least, that's what they both assumed all the red was. Four figures—a pair of little blondes and two brunettes—lay dead in the jaws of some kind of furry creature with black eyes and massive fangs. Both Antonio and Lovina were speechless at the sight of it.

"Um… _princesa_, what is this?" Antonio asked slowly, suddenly questioning the girl's sanity.

Amelia giggled. "It's the scary goat!"

"The… scary goat?" the Spaniard echoed uncertainly.

"Yep!" Amelia nodded solemnly. "I had this nightmare about a scary goat. It roars and has fangs and eats everything. Its hobby is to stand in the rain and watch people. It eats guts."

"I can see that," Lovina mumbled, eyeing the gory picture uncertainly. "Um… thank you, Amelia."

"You can hang it up!" Amelia chirped brightly. "England always hangs up my art!"

After some hesitation, Antonio nodded, taking the nightmarish picture. He stood and took down one of the nice paintings Lovina's sister had given them as a gift for their wedding and replaced it with Amelia's psychotic artwork.

As everyone stared at Amelia's picture—Antonio and Lovina with obvious discomfort and Amelia with pride—Matthew raced out of the kitchen and disappeared down the hall, causing Lovina to go after him, thankful for an excuse to get away from that horrifying thing. When she found him, he was sitting near the bathroom facing the wall. He had taken off his hat and seemed to be stuffing something in there.

"Matthew? Are you okay?" Lovina asked curiously, straining her neck to try to see what Matthew had been doing.

Matthew stiffened and put his hat back on hastily. He turned toward Lovina, a sheepish look on his face.

"Why are you over here?" she asked, steering him back toward the living room. "Are you sure you're feeling—wait. Antonio, where is Amelia?"

Antonio was sitting on the sofa, a book open in his lap. He looked up, frowning, and seemed to notice the colony was missing. "Huh… _no sé_. I thought she went with you to find Matthew."

"No…"

"She followed you down the hallway."

Lovina frowned and left Matthew with Antonio with explicit instructions to watch the boy. After seeing Matthew sit down next to Antonio with a strangely uncomfortable look on his face, Lovina went in search of the other twin. Lovina eventually found her in the bedroom she shared with Antonio. She frowned when she saw that Amelia was throwing little white objects around. Whenever they would land on the ground, Amelia would shout "BOOM!"

"Amelia?" Lovina asked. The girl turned and smiled at her innocently. "What are you doing?"

"Auntie Lovi, what are these?" The girl held up one of the white things she was throwing. Lovina stepped forward and frowned, then recoiled, her face turning bright red. "Are they dynamite? They look like dynamite!"

_Oh, Lord, she found my tampons. Why me?_ Lovina quickly ushered Amelia out of the room, mumbling a bit under her breath and firmly closed the bedroom door behind her. She then paused and took the tampon Amelia was holding and headed for the bathroom. Amelia followed her, curious, and watched Lovina struggle with the bathroom door a bit. It got stuck all the time in the damn heat. After a rough shove, Lovina threw the tampon away and then turned, corralling Amelia into the living room where the boys sat quietly.

"I found Auntie Lovi's dynamite!" Amelia announced, giggling.

"Um… dynamite?" Antonio echoed, looking at Lovina curiously. Lovina gave him a look, promising to tell him later.

Meanwhile, Amelia skipped to her brother and then sat down next to him. She frowned suddenly and audibly sniffed.

"Gross. It smells like the 'F' word in here!" she announced loudly.

Antonio's eyes bugged out of his head and Lovina pinched the bridge of her nose. Amelia was sort of right, though. The living room smelled awful, as if someone had taken a dump on the floor. Sniffing around, Lovina paused near Matthew and stared at him, hard. The stink was coming from his hat.

"Matthew, may I see your hat?" Lovina asked slowly.

Matthew's eyes widened and he shook his head, scooting away a bit. Amelia suddenly snatched the beret off of her brother's head and was about to present it to Lovina when a wad of fabric fell from the confines of the hat and onto the floor with a suspicious _plop_. The beret was forgotten as Amelia hopped off the couch and leaned toward the fabric with Lovina. Antonio watched curiously from the safety of the couch while Matthew just ran off quietly to hide.

"Ew! Is that Mattie's undies?" Amelia giggled as Lovina tentatively reached for what did appear to be underwear. After a second, her eyes narrowed.

"_Cazzo_!" She drew back and groaned. "Why? Just… why?!"

"Lovi?" Antonio stood and went to inspect the underwear. He, too, had a similar reaction.

When Amelia went to inspect it, she gasped. "Oh, man! Is that a turd?"

"He must not have been able to get the bathroom door unstuck," Antonio mumbled. Gingerly, he picked up the tainted undergarment and then walked off with it, the smell travelling with him.

_Dear Lord, are all children like this_? Lovina wondered wearily. How could Antonio want any at all? Hopefully this experience would turn him off to the idea entirely…

Suddenly, two little arms circled around Lovina's legs. She looked down and saw Amelia peeking up at her with big blue eyes. The little girl giggled and seemed to want to be picked up.

After a moment, Lovina reached down and did so. Amelia quickly wrapped her arms around Lovina's neck and rubbed her cheek against the older nation's, humming happily.

"You're pretty," Amelia announced. "And nice. And you make good food."

"Um… _grazie_." Lovina awkwardly hugged her back and smiled. Maybe this was why people loved having children around. They seemed to love you just for existing.

Amelia suddenly kissed Lovina's cheek messily, leaving a little bit of spittle in her wake. Her mouth was a bit sticky, Lovina noted, but that was quickly forgotten when Amelia said, "I love you, Auntie Lovi!"

Lovina felt her face heat up and her heart sputter a bit. She squeezed the little girl a bit more tightly and was just starting to enjoy the feel of the hug when there was a knock at the door.

Antonio went to the door, slowing a bit when he spied Lovina holding and hugging Amelia. He smiled and then greeted Arthur, who was invited inside.

"Matthew!" Antonio called. "Arthur is here!"

Matthew hurriedly ran out of wherever he had been hiding and grabbed onto his father's legs. Lovina reluctantly handed Amelia over to Arthur's waiting arms and stepped back, letting Antonio put an arm around her waist.

"How were they?" Arthur asked nervously. "I know they can be a bit much…"

Antonio sighed. "We had a few… hiccups here and there, but overall, I think we had fun. Right, Lovi?"

Before Lovina could say anything, Amelia spoke up, tugging on her father's messy hair to get his attention. "Hey, England! Guess what? I found dynamite and ate churros and drew a picture of the scary goat eating everyone and Mattie pooped his pants and put his turdy undies in his hat!"

Arthur blanched a bit and cast Antonio and Lovina an incredibly apologetic look. "Dear God in Heaven, I am so sorry."

Antonio chuckled a bit. "It is no problem, although… were you aware Amelia seems to know an awful lot about the 'F' word?"

The reaction they got was not what they were expecting. Arthur burst into laughter and nearly doubled over. He quickly covered Amelia's ears and motioned for Matthew to do the same. The boy obediently covered his ears and stared at the floor.

"What? What's so funny?" Lovina was kind of pissed any father could find his children knowing about such a word funny.

Arthur managed to get himself under control. "It's… it's just… the 'F' word…"

"Yeah? What about it?"

He shook his head. "The 'F' word is 'fart'."

* * *

**Translations**

-_Tengo tres gatos en mis pantalones_ (Spanish)-I have three cats in my pants

-¿_Comprende_? (Spanish)-Understand?

-_Cazzo_ (Italian)-Fuck


End file.
